well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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