We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
