I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
