smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am one with the molecules
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
