i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
