It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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