Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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