Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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