i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
