just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
