Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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