Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
