oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
