i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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