There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
