I want to make a zoo with you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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