Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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