I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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