I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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