I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
