If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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