There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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