Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
