my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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