My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
