Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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