$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
