He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I touched a dick in church today
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
