I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
