I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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