So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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