I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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