Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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