You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm like, not good at living.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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