I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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