I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you had me at cake vodka
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
