I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
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I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.