She's JV to your varsity
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
