Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
