I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
