it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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