she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
