I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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