I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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