I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
