I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
