remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
