after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
