So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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