Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
whose parrot is this?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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