Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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