At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
