neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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