I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
